Too Much Information

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

9:46 am - Death

Its amazing how your perception of life changes when there is a death in the family. My grandmother unfortunately lost the battle with cancer and she died on March 5th. Again to me there is no God but this is the cycle of life that must be taken by everyone no matter what the circumstance. You start to wonder how much longer you have before the end. Again, I thought I was going to be dead by the age of 40 and so far I'm still around. You start thinking of your future and how life will be. Is it for the better or will it get worse as time goes on? My aunts and uncles are telling me to get screened and tested and make sure that I don't have the cancer that my mother and grandmother died from. Honestly, what do I care if I have it or not. That means life will go quicker for me and I don't have to worry about anything or anyone. Just live my life as I normally would. It seems I am taking a path of self destruction partying with bad influence guy and maybe thats what I need. Too realize life is too short and maybe living it up once in awhile won't kill me.....well slowly but not right away. Everyone grieves in their own way and mine is to escape and hope all of the bad things go away. But alas this is real life and I must accept what is inevitable. My card is going to be dealt.....someday! Live life to the fullest and enjoy, its the only one you'll have....ever!

Happiness and Joy!

current mood:

contemplative

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

8:49 am - No Ties

So I'm thinking its Friday today and its not. Man this sucks! I'm exhausted and I want it to be the weekend NOW. Need to catch up on my sleep. Spending time with bad boy the past five days has really drained me in more ways than one. I was starting to wonder why he kept calling but I'm better now that he didn't call last night. Now I can get back to my normal life or rest, relaxation, and just constant living without partying my life away. I'm getting way too old for this shit. This living for the day crap is for the birds. For the record don't want a boyfriend, don't need a boyfriend and don't have a boyfriend. I have other boy toys to service not just bad boy. Time to get back on track! Now your talking!

Peace

current mood:

sleepy

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006

9:14 am - YEAH FRIENDS

So another Monday has come and gone and I was lucky enough to be invited to a concert last night by default. I don't go to concerts, I think I've been to three in my lifetime. Huey Lewis and the News, Willie Nelson and most recently BB King. That man totally rocks even if he is 80 years old. My crazy friend was going to go with her boyfriend to this concert but unfortunately he couldn't break a work commitment hence I go by default. I had never been to the Dodge arena. I bet the taxpayers are loving that huge building out there. It was nice and huge. Still trying to figure out how they have arena football but thats another topic. BB King with his cool style and bluesy tunes totally rocked the arena. Very impressive. I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to see him and more grateful to friends who allowed me to go even if it was by default. FRIENDS TOTALLY RULE!!! But I was sympathetic when it came to the boyfriend. But hey what ya gonna do!

Rock On!!

current mood:

grateful

Monday, February 27th, 2006

1:16 pm - Karma

Another weekend has come and gone and I really need a vacation. Spent some time with the crazy women but it got cut real short. Bad guy calls earlier than expected. What to do? I know the women understand but since when am I at the beckon call of a man. Not since the divorce. Hello! Earth to weird lady get a grip. Such a mess am I. Well, its obvious that I had a short time my with the girls and go to have an all nighter. All body parts hurt and grateful for the sleep that followed albeit next afternoon but rest none the less. Until yesterday afternoon when he wants to get together again. I try to limit my contact with most of my "boy toys", don't want to get too close. Always the same thing with me, space....lots and lots of space in between sessions. But why get together again? Is that karma or what? The scary part was not to get together to have sex but to go out to eat and a movie. SHIT!!! Why? Things are fine the way they are, no commitments. I relent and we go out to eat and things are normal until he decides he wants to hold my hand and starts feeding me. What am I 5 years old? What do you want from me? Leave me to myself no ties, no commitments, that was the arrangement...ARGHHHHHHH! Thank goodness we had to pick up his friend and we invited her the movies and she said Yes. THANK YOU!!! It was getting to awkward for me and I'm glad she was there as a buffer. Until he decides to hold my hand in the theater. DAMN IT!!! Not in front of people. Why are you doing this? Why am I making such a deal? Nothing is going to become of this because I won't let it happen. First they want sleepovers and next thing its commitment. Well, I for one had a committed relationship and I'm done with that. So men, excuse me boy toys, only available for sex and nothing beyond the house if you want more then look somewhere else because this one is not for sale. CRAP!!!

Better days and better ways!

current mood:

confused

Friday, February 24th, 2006

9:57 am - Enough

There is a point in life when you say enough is enough. For example partying your life away like theres no tomorrow. I get a call from bad influence guy last night and he wants to get together tonight. That means partying till the wee hours of the next day maybe into the afternoon. This stopped being fun the last time I was with him two weeks ago. In fact its becoming a nuisance. I've already been at the parties and lived life like it was my last day. But I'm an adult now. Its time to grow up and be responsible for yourself and others you love. Why do I torture myself this way? Why did I say yes? Its not like the sex is that great, the kisses are fabulous though. Maybe the attention is a factor. But I can attention anytime from anyone. No, I think I'm just becoming senile as I get older and think "Hey what a way to go!" Reluctantly I will be seeing bad guy tonight. Maybe I can finish the "thrill" early. I can dream can't I !!

current mood:

confused

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

9:14 am - Reality TV

I was suckered in to watching American Idol. A show I really, really, don't care to see but since my crazy friend was AT MY HOUSE last night I had no choice. "Please, I just want to see this one guy he so cute and he sings great, I love his voice. Once he comes on we'll change the channel". Since all my regular shows are repeats this week all right fine. I mean I do have 4 Tvs I could leave the room and watch something else. I agree and I'm sitting there for two hours listening to these young rugrats sing there hearts and lungs out. Again, I don't watch this show and I try not to send evil "why are you making watch this shit" looks to my friend as she is engrossed in this show and the outcome and patiently waiting for her special singer. Actually she's waiting for this Taylor Hicks guy but unfortunately he is the last singer to come on. Gee, what a surprise there. I will admit that a couple of the guys could sing, Cris and Elliott but the others seriously get off the show already. Go back to your mother and fathers and say goodnight. Besides, isn't it past your bedtime and don't you have homework to finish. I have finally been exposed to American Idol and I will not be watching it ever again. Besides Survivors on tonight. Hello, now thats a reality show. Uh huh sure.

Happiness and prosperity!

current mood:

silly

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006

2:20 pm - SleepOver

Well, another late night and it was with the young one. I get a kick out of these men, excuse me sex partners, topic of conversation. I never allow a gentleman caller to spend the night at my house under any circumstances because its just not right. I don't want commitment and don't need to have someone in my bed to make me feel worthy.
However, I broke that rule with one of them. Bad, bad, girl. And of all people to break the rules with the bad influence guy. What a loser I am! Needless to say it really wasn't a sleepover more of partying till wee hours of the next day and crash for about an hour. So technically it wasn't a sleepover. YEAH RIGHT!
I say this to convey that my younger guy had the gall to ask if he could sleep over or would like the opportunity to stay the night so we could make love all night. Yeah, like thats going to happen. Don't get me wrong I'm sure he has the stamina for an all nighter sexcapade. I just don't like the idea of this man in my bed for more than four hours.
So, men in my life please be aware that if you ask to stay the night at my house I will allow you too. Just make sure you have a blanket and pillow and a nightlight in your vehicle in front of my house because thats as close as you are going to get to spending the night with me. Such a tease!!!

Eternal Happiness!

current mood:

amused

Monday, February 20th, 2006

1:13 pm - Self Esteem

WELL, THE GIRLS AND I GOT TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN TO CAUSE HAVOC AND HAVE A GREAT TIME. I UNFORTUNATELY DID NOT ATTEND THE PRE FESTIVITIES SINCE I WAS WITH MY GROWNUP FRIENDS HAVING A STEAK DINNER. BY THE WAY IT KICKED ASS. I CAUGHT UP WITH THE GIRLS AT ART AWAKENINGS WHERE THE CRAZY GIRL'S BOYFRIEND WAS PLAYING WITH A BAND. NEEDLESS TO SAY THEY WERE ALREADY BUZZING BY THE TIME I GOT THERE. BUT THERE WAS MORE FUN TO BE HAD AND WE DID AT SIMON SEZ. I WAS IMPRESSED WITH ONE OF THE FRIENDS WHO WAS MACKING WITH THE BOYS BIG TIME. WAY TO GO GIRLFRIEND!! NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU LOST WEIGHT BUT BECAUSE THEY WERE PINING FOR YOU. YEAH!!!! WELL, WE FINALLY TORE OURSELVES AWAY FROM THE CLUB AND HEADED BACK TO ART AWAKENINGS WHEN FRIEND NUMBER 1 WAS SHOCKED AT THE ATTENTION SHE WAS GETTING AND SHE WAS HAVING SELF ESTEEM ISSUES. SHE SAID SHE WASN'T PRETTY ENOUGH, SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE COMING TO HER, ETC.. CHICK SNAP OUT OF IT!!! YOU ARE WORTHY OF EVERY MAN THAT COMES TO YOU AND TALKS TO YOU. ITS ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE. I WAS SURPRISED BY HER NEGATIVE ATTITUDE TOWARDS HERSELF CONSIDERING SHE CAN CUT YOU DOWN LIKE A SHARP KNIFE WITH WORDS AND STILL SMILE AFTER SHE STRIKES. LOTS OF GUTS THIS WOMAN HAS. BUT MOVING ON. I WAS SURPRISED BY THE LACK OF CONFIDENCE AND THE SHOCK OF HER SAYING SHE WASN'T WORTHY. WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO ATTENTION, SPECIFICALLY CONSTANT ATTENTION. THIS IS NEW TO HER AND IT WAS KIND OF FREAKING HER OUT. I, WE TOLD HER THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER AND SHE SHOULD EMBRACE THE COMPLIMENTS AND TRY TO GET TO KNOW THESE MEN. NOTHING WRONG WITH COMMUNICATION. SO CHICK, SNAP OUT OF IT AND STAY THE CONFIDENT PERSON I KNOW YOU ARE AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT. BESIDES YOU'RE TOTALLY WORTH ALL THE ATTENTION AND THEN SOME. ITS ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN AND WHO KNOWS MAYBE SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL WILL COME OUT OF IT. YOU STILL TOTALLY ROCK AND KEEP IT UP!!

PEACE AND LOVE!

current mood:

chipper

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

10:59 am - Grandmother

I lost my mother in July 2003 to cancer. A rare but deadly form of cancer. One I hope no one ever get and have to go through the hell of self detioriation right in front of your family. I found out my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. Shes my mothers mom. According to the doctor on Saturday says she has irritable bowel syndrome. The lady is 90 years old how can she have IBS? Well, there's more to the story. She actually has jaundice and a growth on her liver which maybe cancer. Kind of like the one my mother had and died from.
My grandmother is one of these old school ladies, manners and respect are everything. Very religious catholic lady and taught me alot about crafts. I had a close relationship with my grandmother when my grandfather (her husband) passed away back in 1990. And we were the closest that a granddaughter and grandmother could be. She always tried to get me in church and pray the rosary but I wouldn't do it. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I didn't believe in god. But she taught me that I was always loved no matter the consequences.
Its unfortunate that the death of my mother had kind of left me without communicating with my grandmother but I do keep in touch...once in a great while. I did go see her in the hospital after her lengthy procedure and told her I missed her and I loved her. She was so happy to see me even in her drug induced form. The sad part of it was she looked like my mother when she was close to death. But if I know my grandmother she'll bounce back because shes got god on her side. If there is one. Taking it a day at a time.

Peace and Love

current mood:

restless

Monday, February 13th, 2006

2:36 pm - V DAY

Here it is another valentines approaching. I hate valentines day with a passion. Thanks to my ex-husband. He pretty much screwed up that day and others for me royally!!!! Every time I see a fucking commercial about love,stuff animals,cards or even the color red I want to hurl. "Isn't it romantic he got me flowers, we're going to a fancy restaurant for dinner how romantic". Okay how is that romantic? You go out to dinner most of the time any ways how is that romantic? More than likely he buys you flowers on special occasion so again how is that romantic? Its not like it was a spontaneous thought. Hes been programmed to buy flowers, candy and mini gifts. Hopefully to get the big score. Yeah right
I used to be the valentine queen and had everything prepared and ready to go and pretty much for nothing. But thats done and over with now. So I don't have to worry about getting anything, EVER, for valentines because I'm thankfully not in a committed relationship. I should just be committed though but thats another story. Hang in there you sick love puppies the day will come and go quicker than you think. Then its back to reality where you belong. Your in my world now!!!

Love and kisses.......excuse me I just hurled........coffee grounds!!!!

current mood:

crazy

Tuesday, February 7th, 2006

4:30 pm - Mortality

I remember taking an education class and you had to predict your future life. According to my memory I should be dead now. I hadn't anticpated living pass the age of 40 but hey there you go. (Trust me no suicidal tendencies now!) I bring this up because I got to thinking last night about how I've had conversations about growing old and would be the known as the cat lady. You know the isolated one that has no one in her life but the millions of cats that surround her house. Stinky. I do know that won't happen considering I don't like cats anymore. Ever since my cat died in the 80s no more animals for me. I have come to the conclusion that when I die nobody will ever know. What a thought. Ewww body decompsosing and the neighbors wondering what the hell is that smell not knowing that someone has died near by. Gross! Thats how my life will end. Amazing! Kind of morbid if you think about it. But hey thats life...or in my case death!

Peace....Rest in Peace!

current mood:

listless

Monday, February 6th, 2006

10:51 am - Amazing

Got together with the girls again this past Friday night. More philosophical, "what the hell are you doing" but "what about me" chat session. I will give credit where credit is due. That is to say the crazy woman held great restraint from telling our friend that despite the weight loss her face seems to look better. Albeit she spent over hundred dollars buying beauty creams, nonetheless crazy woman didn't say anything about it. Kudos!!! However things took a dramatic turn in the conversation when the discussion revolved around me a my "obsession" with bad boy. I told them they there were way off base for me to be obsessed with this man. Yes, crazy lady has a point of me mentioning him in the past few journals but its not obsession its just sad to lead a life the way he does. Charity case. And I'm a sucker for charity cases. Try to right what is wrong or at least make life more bearable for some when I can. Don't worry crazy lady you're still my number one priority so don't be hatin! And by the way, he will never move into my house, EVER!!!!! I MEAN EVER!!! Just a phase it will pass! HEY THANKS FOR CARING!!!!!

Live for the day its all you have for now!

current mood:

grateful

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

1:45 pm - Can't Stop

They talk about being influenced my someone into doing something you wouldn't normally do. Well, I believe that up to a point but if you're weak you're screwed.
Case and point...the bad influence guy calls me and wants to know how I'm doing and wants to get together. Fine no problem. Since he likes to party into the wee hours of morning I guess I should call the boss and take a day off. We get together Monday night and party till 7:00 am Tuesday morning. Unfortunately for him he has to go to work at 11:00 and I didn't have to work. He couldn't stop drinking and such, laughing hysterically and horny as hell. Took care of business and told him to sleep with the time he had left.
I have a real good time with him but enough is enough. How much more of this can a person do without killing themselves or those around him. Yes, life is short but how short do you want to make it? The real kicker is he calls me after his morning shift and wants to get together again. Dude, seriously rest already. Jeez you don't have to party everyday... but apparently he does. Needless to say the party ended early because he fell asleep. Hopefully he won't get up ready to go again...but all he need is a "bump" and hes ready to go again. Call me when your ready to party again say next year so I have time to recoup!

current mood:

drained

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

4:51 pm - Honestly

Well, when I asked for honesty by golly I got it. I am having some inner conflicts about how I should handle this continuous thoughts of one individual, who by the way is a real bad influence, real bad.
I had lunch with the crazy woman yesterday and she told me I should start dating again. Instead of my free for all sex and send them home till next time "relationships". Snap out of it and start getting out there because you want some sort of normacy in your life instead of this "one night stand" bullshit.
Unfortunately thats not the step I'm ready to take. I don't want to date (by the way went on date last night...boring!!!!) I don't want a commitment and I don't want someone constantly there with me for companionship. I thoroughly enjoy the isolation and no ties to anyone. Too much restriction. I can go where I want and when I want. I'm doing what I want to do. After 15 years of wife slavery enough is enough. Time to live it up!!! Hence, the continuous thought of the "bad boy". Seriously though I need to step away from that guy because it will lead to nothing but self destruction. Why would I want that to myself. I live the normal life. You know locked in my house watching DVDs till my eyes fall out. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure to call and see if I'm alive. Movie marathons are addictive.
Enough said!

current mood:

dorky

Monday, January 23rd, 2006

11:00 am - Its Not Hot

Okay, we know that Paris Hilton has coined the phrase "That's hot". But its a little difficult taking it serious from a man, especially in the middle of reckless sex.
Talk about killing the buzz. Every little move that was made the comment "That's Hot" kept coming out of his freakin mouth. Your nipples are hard as rock, that's hot, holding your hair while you give me a blow job, that's hot, your really wet down there, that's hot. No that's not hot that means I'm in the moment and would you catch up already. STOP TALKING!!!! SHUT UP ALREADY. SAY SOMETHING ELSE!!!!
This is why I have no commitments to any one man. Its a crap shoot. Some are fun and others...well, just kill me and get it over with. So, for all you men out there who think the term "That's Hot" will work with the women, you are sadly mistaken. Think of it as an instant repellor of not getting any type of sex what so ever! Its far from hot its more like ice cold.
Just deal!!!

current mood:

aggravated

Friday, January 20th, 2006

2:32 pm - Time & Place

I met up with my friends at a bar the other night and I got to tell you. They have lost their minds. Of course in my world everyone has lost their minds but moving on. One of our friends (1) is on a crusade to lose weight and I think thats great, more than great awesome. Then I have the other friend (2) whos trying to change her eating habits but not having the best of luck because of her boyfriend and his cooking, yeah right! (I'm not judging girl, don't have a cow!)
I say this because some people can never learn to keep their mouths shut when asked too. There is a time and place to tell people things that are different about them especially with weight loss. Unfortunately with the one who lost weight (1), a lot by the way, your body changes and you don't look the same. Specifically her face. We noticed this and we wanted to say something but we were afraid if we said anything she would freak out and gain her weight back. Of course friend #2 said something and it wasn't the right time to say something to friend #1 because she was having a crisis at work and at home. So friend #2 blurts out everything and friend #1 says its okay I'm not taking this personally. RIGHT!!!!
Now these two are looking at me for the logical, reasonable, and objective viewpoint of what was said. I looked at friend #2 and gave her if looks could kill she'd be dead. The kid in me wanted to run out the door screaming "FIRE" but I'm an adult now so I told her there was a change to her face but thats normal and not to take it too personally. The look on her face said it all. I could see her mind filling up with so many questions it killed me and I wanted to kill friend #2 on the spot. Friend #1 took in stride but I know her, shes freaking out but not telling us. For the love of Pete please don't go on a taco eating frenzy!!!!
I write all of this to say this, if you are a person whose goal is to lose weight or have an outfit that you think totally rocks or seeing a guy you think is fabulous thats great but if your friends don't support you and respect you, you're pretty much screwed. So lets be truthful about how we feel but not at the expense of freaking your friend out. Theres nothing with a lie here and there and remember there is a time and a place to tell people things. Just not right now!
Have a great one!

current mood:

pensive

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

3:33 pm - Obsession

Again I run into someone I knew in high school and he wants to see me and catch up on old times. RIGHT! Obviously I do and what a joke. The problem with people are choices they make in life. Like we're in the year 2005 not 1985. Why would you want to wasted your time being wasted all the time? What kind of life is that. Life is short he says and wants to live it up. Right, meanwhile the drug therapist called and you missed your drug test again which may mean you could loose your job. Your parole officer called and you missed an appointment to see him better show up or back to the pen with you. Oh yeah by the way that liver transplant you were waiting for has been canceled because you can't stop drinking alcohol. Oh yeah living in the fast lane, what a life. We all have faults, addictions if you will, but when you purposely want nothing to do with "responsibilities" and live the high life you're better off dead. So, Hey great seeing you again hope all works out for you. Hey, did you pass out again because you 're too drunk to say goodbye. Well, rest in peace brother, maybe I'll see you on the other side. Doubtful!

current mood:

disappointed

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

4:17 pm - Realizations

I have come to the conclusion everyone is crazy but me. I know, I know everyone says that and I think they're right. But I'm here to say everyone is crazy....period. In my universe there are no complications with life. I'll be able to get that perfect steak dinner every time. I'll find the item I need in the grocery store. I will have money in my pocket and not have to worry about expenses. But again this is in my own little world.

In the real world its different. I ran into people I went to high school with constantly and why is it every time its the same line. OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN"T CHANGED A BIT, YOU LOOK GREAT. Spare me the bullshit people I have matured and yes I do look great but don't tell me I look the same. Seriously get some glasses already. I'm a decent looking person and I know that. But for christ sake quit the bullshit. For once I'd like someone to be honest about what said to me. Hey did you get taller? I noticed your boobs are bigger, did you gain weight or did you have kids? Also noticed a tummy there wow I guess you don't exercise! Looks like someone dyes their hair. I like that color on you. My luck someone I know will say that to me me when I'm having the shittiest day ever and I'll probably beat the shit out of them. But hey they were honest and that's what I wanted right? So old classmates cut the crap and say what your really thinking... I look better now than I did back then!Period!!! Great Day!

current mood:

ditzy

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

8:22 am - Christmas

I can't believe I've made it through another year of chaos and destruction in the world. Luckily I finished my shopping in November so I don't have to suffer through the move out of the way I won't run you over with my car mentality of last minute Christmas shopping. The only battle I have right now is trying to find the quickest way home after work without running into lines of holiday shoppers. Is it me or has our population tripled in size in the last two weeks? And people wonder why everyone is so Bah Humbug, screw Christmas, and bite me kind of attitude. Ahhh Christmas time. So much for love, peace, and harmony for you and all. Instead its, "I found this parking spot first cut you off, last important and die trying to get it gift, now move out of my way I was in line first, almost kill me on the road get home, and Happy Holiday to you with a big smile." Well, theres another reason to stay home and not go anywhere. Does anybody want to go get groceries for me? Well, its a great time to fast.

Peace and Happy New Year!!

current mood:

relaxed